111. Helpless Rage

Dear London Fire Snake Scorpio,

You know what I noticed? I noticed that when I am angry and frustrated, my sexual day fantasies – the ones that keep me going, functioning and writing – become violent. Shallow. Is that why the world of smut writing full of Alpha fantasies with women pounded into a pulp and bruised to blues and blacks? Because the world is full of women so frustrated with their lives that the “acceptable” social outlet is to internalize that aggression and harm themselves, if not in reality then in their brains?

I am having a very hard day. I try my best, I swear, but the running around with the paperwork – within the four walls of my own house – is hard on the brain. Piggy is super violent lately, way more then ever before. I don’t want to say it’s because I am out and the kids were mostly with him, but we both fucking know there is no other variable.

I am struggling. For sure. Up till now, since the surgery, I had the kids for 3-5 days gradually growing how long I can take with them eroding me. This is the first stretch of 8 days, summer, 24/7 with them. And we are only on day 5.

When the kids were not here, I discovered that I wake at 6 and then stay in bed for almost 2 hours – dreaming. My brain writing books, solving plots and scenarios while my body just lies there, motionless. The piece is… priceless. Then when the kids are home – 4 ADHD kids to remind you – each morning is the same. Some of them wake, the first is usually Piggy.

She’ll come to my bed, and chat. If she is in a good mood, she’s cute. If she isn’t she will start arguing, maybe hitting. Other mornings, she is ok to go and play in the living room. That can hold for hours as long as she is alone. But the second anyone else is awake, and it really does not matter which – the fights and bickering begin. I tense in bed as soon as I hear them in the living room, knowing exactly when it’s coming. And wait.

By day 5 I am no diplomat. When the fists starts flying I am off the bed as the biggest bully of them all and scream my head off to get them all to shut the fuck up. This morning, I had no medication left for Stallion, so I decided not to give him. The other option is to give him mine because we take the same drugs, I have ADHD too. Within 20 minutes, Piggy punches Stallion while I was eating breakfast. And I hear them from the living room. She screams for him to go away and he does that fucking thing he does when he continues arguing and saying the same thing over and over again and that drives people insane.

So I shout, cause I am a fucking beast, and kick him upstairs (voice alone, of course) and he bursts into tears screaming his head off about how he hates me, and Piggy and the fucking world. After a solid 5 minutes of him screaming from upstairs from the entrance of his room, I go upstairs and drag him down by the collar like a fucking bad 50s movie and give him my meds. 30 minutes later – they are all calm, the medication started working.

And me? I feel disgusted with myself and contemplating giving this whole shit up for good. Life is a pointless painful road to absolutely nowhere, isn’t it? I am a horrible mother. I am no fucking provider with where we are economically. Did I tell you that we received another loan for 8k and I have already spent 3k in one month? Food, clothes, school supplies.

Sigh. I know. I know it is the pain talking. The exhaustion talking. My breasts hurt really bad today too, this deep ache from within that feels like your flesh inside is going through a grinder. And I am pissed and petty and jealous, because the fucker has self-published his second book. A thick fucking book too. Of course he did. He has the time doesn’t he?

And the kids? I spoke to the doctor yesterday. Apperantely all the kids lost weight, because they were in his house for so long since the surgery and the shit head still does not feed them properly. “If we are lucky” Drago said to me at supper yesterday “We get half an egg and half a slice of cheese in the morning.”

Lucky?!

So I am a raging bull today. The world is backwards, I am alone, and I can’t do shit right.

And here they go again. Wolfy just went upstairs to the room she’s sharing with Piggy, and the bickering begins again. Piggy was punished because she pushed me. And yes, the weak stupid bitch I am, I shoved her back too. I am sure that makes you very proud. Eager to join this family, doesn’t it?

My head is constantly running to fantasies, seeking that dopamine like a woman starving for air for oxygen. But I cannot find the time to write properly. And so because I am stuck on the same scene in my head with Elizabeth and Benedict, my brain goes to other shit. Darker shit. Not the shit I want to bring to this world or to occupy my brain.

Sigh.

A tough day, today, my love.

Still yours,
Oxy,
August 29, 2026.

Help me find him: Have you seen this man?