32. Eyelock

Dear London Fire Snake Scorpio,

Hello, my love. Come sit with me. I made a fresh pot of tea. The day was rough. Spring break is behind us. I am so tired. I haven’t left the house in a week. A little cabin fever, yes. The pain is fine, I am used to it. The shoulder mostly today, but that’s ok, really. The kids are asleep, it’s 9:30 pm. Can we not talk about the kids tonight? I missed you.

You have that look, that piercing, steady look you give me when you listen, that makes me smile. It is as if I exist, I am seen, when you look at me like that. Your eyes are never soft, even when you are loving. They are alert, attentive, with a stillness that makes my world stop spinning. Sometimes in the evening, all I need is 10 minutes of sitting with you like this, holding your hand, sipping tea and looking at you.

My eyes, unlike yours, are completely transparent. I look at you, and you can see the depth of my love for you, the way I drink your very presence as the gift it is in my life. My eyes run over your face, as if caressing every line, every crease, every feature.

When I tell you I love you, I feel it in my bones. This warm, deep feeling of well-being makes me feel safe and excited at the same time. When you say that to me, it’s more of a possessive claim, haha. How can one explain the intensity, the clarity of those eyes, of that look? I know I’ve only seen it in my dreams, but I know it.

I love the fact that when you touch, your pleasure is more about driving your partner insane, feeding off their expressions and reactions, than chasing the end. There is something incredibly direct about you, even when you do not say a word. Sometimes I feel that I can hear your thoughts, sometimes I ask myself, how does no one see what I see in you? How are you such a granite wall for them?

But then there are other times when your silence is closed and moody. I want to believe I will be strong enough to tolerate your retreat. I do not need you to talk when you don’t want to, my love, just to know that you are still mine. That I am not the reason you retreat. Being connected to someone on that level leaves you vulnerable to this fear of detachment. As long as I can hold your hand in those dark, silent moments, or even just be there, sitting next to you, I have no beef with your retreat. I will guard it myself. Trust me, I understand the need for space.

I wonder if you have friends. I wonder if you will let me meet them. I don’t think you would be embarrassed by me; my ex certainly was at all times, and I am a rather social creature. But I do make very quick and deep connections. I am a simple creature; you ask me a question, and I will answer it. Even if this question is not something people usually share. So, as much as I want to tell you that I will keep your local decorum, the truth is that I will either go mute to protect you from my messy self, or be myself, and then there are no limits.

And when we are with friends, with family. I wonder if you will hold my hand. I am not one to make my partner uncomfortable on purpose, and I know your Scorpio side is a very private man. You are not one to flaunt what we have out there for the masses. And I am a grown woman, certainly, and an Ox with the soul of a titan.

But in a way that is what makes me apprehensive. The bull in the china shop again. All I am saying is that if you feel that my presence is not something you want in your professional world or with your friends, I can handle it. I lived alone all my life, and I am accustomed to loneliness, so as long as I have you at the end of the day to myself, I can live with having parts of your life not shared. Although there is hope that you would like to share it with me. Every part of you.

The truth is that I am a titan in many ways, in my flannel shirts and on my home turf. But put me in a fancy dress and in public, and I am often defenceless. Respect is important to me. Integrity is important to me. So I don’t know how to laugh at a joke that isn’t funny or smile at someone I don’t like. And dealing with men who show inappropriate interest (you will be surprised how common that is) is very difficult for me in those circumstances.

See, I am not very polished. I cannot tell a man “nicely” to fuck off, or shame them into leaving. The inner fear of displeasing a man and getting beaten up for it is still deep in my bones. All I can do is leave or be aggressive in a way that I am sure is not exactly social.

Oh, I will look like a queen, I assure you. I will smile, stand as tall as my stature allows, and stand my ground. But anyone with a little observation could see that I am stressed and cornered. And it is in moments like this that I will need your eyelock, your touch on me, your breath close enough to me that I can hear it. Truth is, I am a little socially awkward when I don’t want to embarrass someone. It’s… old residue, I suppose.

On most things, I find it easy to predict where you stand. We have seen that happen before in my letters. But on this point, I am not sure. As I said, you are a private person, and keeping face is important to you, so me being my loud, direct, blunt, and observant self might be hard on you. On the other hand, the snake in you has that rebellious streak, the one that might pull up a chair and watch from afar how I drive the “proper” people insane just by being me.

I wonder if you have a family. I wonder if you would let me meet them. I wonder if they will hate me. Most people hate what is different. Between my kids, my health, and my newcomer nature (that I will be once I get to London), I am sure you will hear a lot of your people warn you off me.

I am falling asleep, my love.
Thank you for sitting with me just for a while. 
It soothed me enough to lull me to sleep.
We will talk again tomorrow. 
Yours in heart and soul, 
Oxy. 
April 5, 2026

Help me find him: Have you seen this man?