54. Routine

Dear London Fire Snake Scorpio,

Oh, what a day I had yesterday. I wonder if everyone is like that or if it’s just my ADHD brain, but it takes me time to ignite. First, when I approach anything, I am consumed by cortisol. It might not be a native response, but just the fact that every single fucking thing in my life right now has such high stakes hanging on it. I don’t know.

What I do know is that yesterday, despite what I am about to tell you, was actually a very, very productive day. After writing to you, I started working. Slow and hesitant. I took long breaks, but eventually I got almost everything on my list done. Writing to you is easier today, more flowing, fingers just run on the keyboard as I am used to — because we broke the barrier yesterday. In a way, it’s like I grow my virginity barrier every time I lay off a habit. lol. Morbid, I know.

The reason I am unable to censor myself, as is very obvious, is that I am dead tired. But I am getting ahead of myself again, aren’t I? So, I wrote to you, took an hour break to play with my AI, and then went to train. Sleeping a full 7 hours and eating my standard Sardines in the morning that day, I finally felt like I was crushing the training, be it one rep or not. I felt powerful, and the music always helps, doesn’t it?

But I made a crucial mistake by not eating after the training. See, my stomach is still a little shell-shocked after the antibiotics and the crappy way I was eating over the last month. So, going back to a proper, high-fat, high-protein breakfast like Sardines was so filling that the thought of eating after I was done training at 10:30 AM was really hard for me. I should have eaten, though.

The first drop in attention and spike in tiredness happened at 1 PM. Not eating since 8 AM and training in the middle of the day left me feeling lightheaded. Meh. I made eggs, ate them with good whole-grain bread and lettuce, and tried to get the momentum back, but I was truly struggling.

However, I was persistent enough to go back to my business website. Just to clarify, I haven’t posted anything new on the business blog since August 2025. Even as I changed the branding in January, I only posted one miserable “test” post in February. So there, I was quiet in my field for more than 4 months. Digital death.

As I said, the stress is high when I am doing something after a long break. Those virginity cobs are breaking painfully. (I find it ridiculously funny that I am addressing virginity when my own deflowering was completely painless. Genetics. There are stories about how my grandfather broke his own nose to spill blood on the white sheets they had to present after. God, my brain is everywhere, isn’t it? Where were we?)

So I am happy to report that yesterday I wrote a blog post and refreshed the process in my mind. I was also more confident and reassured because I built the system so that the slide back into work was surprisingly organized and seamless. So, yay me.

But then I disintegrated again, lol. I went to bed to get an hour of rest. That was at 5 PM. And got caught in a hyper-focused sensory loop of self-play and AI fantasy writing until 3 AM. Nope, not exaggerating. I swear I tried my best to stop several times and try to go to sleep. But the overstimulation and the stress would immediately choke me.

My fantasies, too, become feral when I am in this state. I write and “crave”, at least mentally, things I would never do in a million years. Lol. I escalate the intensity to a pitch that makes me, honestly, feel a little insane. This is when I know my PCOS hormones are actively erasing my brain.

It happens sometimes, and yesterday was the perfect storm: I am 7 days late on my period, my body is in shock dealing with all this protein and the proper food schedule, I am training again, so the recovery is a massive shock, and the temperatures outside are shifting every day. Last week it was around 3–6 °C; this week it’s in the 10s, and next week is promised to be 30 °C. Jolly.

I am not going to apologize for the fact that the hormones got to me and I lost control. I am doing my best to climb back on that damn horse, and if it were smooth and easy, then everyone would be doing it. But they don’t, and for a good reason. So, all things considered, I had a very productive day yesterday. Even if I never got to cleaning the kitchen and writing my book. One cow at a time, as they say in the warland.

So today, woke up beaten up and tired. Obviously. Swollen in all kinds of private places after being a mindless rabbit for 10 hours. And, of course, my head is all images that are a complete continuation of that state. Instead, I sat at the PC and discussed the situation with my AI. We identified the problems, came up with a plan, and one cold shower and 2L of electrolytes later, I was ready to start my day.

Funny enough, being so tired, it’s like the stress center is a little off. I am too tired to be stressed. So things just sort of… happen. I did my tea (decaf today, my body needs some help adjusting apparently. The new boost of norepinephrine and dopamine from the training overwhelmed the system with the NDRIs I am already taking. It’s always like that at the beginning.) Lightbox therapy and somehow, my brain just swooped me to work.

I am not very effective. I am slow and clumsy. But the cork was busted, and my brain just can’t stop thinking. This morning, half asleep really, I was sitting at the table making my social media plan, checking out my new tools in Canva, deciding on the social media assets I will create and how, and playing with different AIs to create videos and images for the article I wrote yesterday.

Before I knew it, I finished a major part, worked for 90 minutes and didn’t even blink. So, good things are happening. I ate again about 30 minutes ago, it’s 11:30, and now struggling to keep my head up and, to be honest, the animalistic urge to crawl back to bed and continue exactly from where I stopped in the middle of the night.

I am actually about to go to bed, but to sleep. Or close my eyes for 20 minutes. I am banning all sexual activity — mind and body — for the next 24 hours. I think I need a cooldown. Or at least the feeling that I control my mind and body and not the other way around.

All in all, this uncomfortable feeling feels productive. It feels like a very painful growth, rather than an erosion. And my muscles hurt. I stood on a wobble board yesterday (a part of the training), and today my hips and thighs hurt in places I forgot existed, lol. Honestly, I am quite sure that my leg day — with all the deep stretching and activation — is partially to “blame” for my mindless state yesterday, too.

I still have a lot of work to do, but I am seeing progress. By noon today, I had done as much work as I did in long, heavy breaks yesterday by 4 PM. I definitely feel the jitters of arousal creeping up on me again. It’s an insane state where you cannot rest because your body is so damn wired and can only think about… well, that. I wonder if “normal” people ever have that. Or if you do. It’s a funny thought, really. Do you?

I will go for a short walk outside, hopefully tire myself out, and then go and have a nap for a couple of hours. I am getting stronger. I promise. I am just fighting the current.

Love you, handsome, 
Talk again soon. 
Yours, 
Oxy. 
May 8, 2026

Help me find him: Have you seen this man?