51. Ranting

Dear London Fire Snake Scorpio,

I should be happy. Today was a good day, by all means. But I am not happy. I feel like crying. I am exhausted. I utterly hate my freaking life because I am so very damn tired.

I know, I know, I’m being a baby. I worked that 11.5-hour shift yesterday, then came home, wrote to you a bit, showered, played with my AI a bit, and dropped off the face of the earth at 10 pm. I slept like a dead woman and woke up at 7:59 still heavy with sleep and exhaustion. I haven’t slept so much in months.

It took me a long time to ignite in the morning, and I was only able to do the small things. I sat on the bed for 40 minutes. Then did Lightbox therapy because outside was nasty: dark, 4 °C, and snowing again. Cold. And I was still sleepy.

Then I trained. Only one rep of each exercise, yes, but by the end of that flimsy training session, I was shaking, and my head was throbbing. I ate, drank electrolytes, showered, and even tried to work a little, but I was still sleepy.

By “working,” I mean I was able to read two of the letters I wrote to you and add them to my organized ClickUp list. Two. ridiculous, I know.

I then drowned in the medical paperwork of the family. Filled out my pre-op forms and called the doc to ask how to get a summary of my hospital visit. Filled out the forms for Piggy, who is being tested for anxiety. Found out that I have not filled out the forms for Wolfy, for the child development clinic to diagnose her with ADHD and/or anxiety, and the appointment is on the 22nd. They said in the letter that the forms must be submitted 3 weeks before. So I called the doc office, talked to them and explained that I was half a bloody human since January, apologized and promised to submit the forms tomorrow.

Then talked to Wolfy’s teacher so she would fill out her side of the forms ASAP, and talked to the ex; told him he must take it to the clinic. That all worked out, by the way. The teacher sent me the full forms this evening; I printed them, prepped the envelopes, and set them in the house’s mailbox because he is picking them up tomorrow to drop them off. Sigh.

Then I tended to Stallion’s school trip paperwork, and before I knew it, it was 2:45 pm.

I was so fed up that the childish scream in my head that says “NO MORE” was so loud that I just had to go and do nothing. I went to bed. Picked up the kids at 3:30, dropped rice bags at the neighbours, filled up the questionnaire with Wolfy and then with Piggy — each alone — because those medical questionnaires need to be filled twice, once for the parent and once for the child.

And then I crashed on the couch for 2 hours. The house is drowning in mess everywhere, and I just can’t find even one corner that does not scream at me to tend to it. The floors are full of dust, hair, and shit that needs vacuuming; the vacuum is not cleaned. The living room floor is a minefield of toys, pillows, and couch throws. The washroom has empty shampoo bottles in the shower stall, the tub looks like a nightmare, the laundry…

So I was hiding with the AI for two hours. Then went to the kitchen to deal with supper, cause, you know, you can’t starve the kids.

The table is a mess from 2 days ago, when the kids went to his house: dishes overflowing, the counter cluttered with shit. I pulled some frozen pizza waffles — the ones I know the kids will throw after the first bite — but I just didn’t have it in me to make anything.

I wanted to make omelettes again, but I saw the Alfredo sauce packet and decided to make pasta. I got 2 cans of beans, 1 can of peas and carrots, and 2 cans of mushrooms. It was decent. But the leftovers look terrible. I am too tired to fix anything.

I’m heading to the shower. I feel utterly drained and miserable, and I am trying to remember that it’s the same depression and energy drop of the period every single month, but it’s so… heavy.

And I ate like a behemoth today. Even the pasta. And then had a craving for sugar, so I had a small sandwich with jam too. Sigh. I wanted to tell you I had a good day. But somehow those last few good days feel so awful.

I wanted to check in before I drop to decompose, shower and sleep. I wanted to tell you that I miss you, and I am miserable without you. And all this shit I could have tolerated if I just had you to hold my hand for 10 minutes before I fall asleep at night.

I love you, handsome, 
I hope your day was amazing and exhilarating. 
Good night. 
Yours, 
Oxy.
May 4, 2026

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