59. Attitude

Dear London Fire Snake Scorpio,

Ok, ok. I know. I’m a little insane. But when I start something… in the west, they call it hyper-focus. In the warland, we called it “My Janana got up” lol.

So the constant “The fridge is empty.” — ” There are no reserves” — ” The freezer is dwindling” — ” The storage room is light” got on my nerves. And when things get on the nerves of the Ox, what happens? I gore shit out of my way. Another gem from the warland and my Russian origins? What doesn’t go by force goes by way more force. So, I decided it’s time to change the attitude.

Instead of stressing about resources being used, I decided I am on a mission to clear the house of resources. Actively chasing the usage of everything. The transformation was magnificent and instantaneous. I dug up all kinds of weird flours and beans I had hidden in storage, got creative with ideas and protein powders and, in general, went a little berserk in the kitchen.

Monday, I decided to go back to a full schedule, as I told you. So I crawl out of bed after 30 minutes of morning hangover (Sleep is still an issue, so waking is not easy), then from 8–9, I deal with kids. 9–14 I work, and yes, I did work that full day since Monday, and then rest for an hour, and I pick up the kids. Then, from 16–21, I cook.

Did it Monday, Tuesday, and today, a Wednesday. I am… beyond beat. At the moment, 19:44, I am crushed on the couch, and I am holding myself, barely, not to cry from the throbbing in my legs.

I know what you are going to say, but I’m a damn Ox. I needed to push the mountain, so I did. And yes, it did cost me health-wise. After all, the whole kidney infection, E. coli in the blood, and the start of sepsis were only 3 weeks ago.

And I didn’t train this week. Logic said that getting back to that kind of full routine needs a little time to get used to. I’m shaking, damn, hard to type. Sleep is still problematic, too, but I think it’s because I have subliminal pain from the neck down. It’s fine. As I said, it had to be done.

What I did was a marathon, but it set us up for a bit.

On Monday, I soaked a lot of beans and made sandwiches for the kids’ school lunches. I was fighting the sink again. 3 Dishwasher loads and 45 minutes of manual washing, and I was able to empty one of the two sinks. Finally. I actually think I mentioned Monday. Sorry, brain’s a mush.

Either way, yesterday — yesterday was the real cooking day. I decided I am making 4 big lasagna trays to freeze, and on the way cooked loads of beans. I have some cottage cheese and cream cheese frozen, so I defrosted that for one layer.

So on Tuesday, I made red lentil and tahini waffles, mango strawberry protein powder pancakes, soaked red kidney beans (3 cups), 1 cup of black turtle beans, and cooked 4 cups (dry; after soaking, it was 8) of navy beans. I soaked the day before, a similar batch of black-eyed peas, a similar batch of mung beans and 1 cup of soy beans.

The stove was working nonstop for all this time. It was… hard. By the end of the day, I stunk of beans from every pour, lol. Supper, I made a quick pasta. Had a premade sauce jar. It isn’t wow, but it’s edible. As the protein, I used some of the navy beans.

The pancakes and Waffles are school meals, so they had lunches for school from that. I was drained to the bone, my legs throbbing and my feet cracked- but my head was still good, so I also shampooed the little ones and clipped their nails. Finally took a few to clip their feet too, didn’t do that in ages.

I was wired and couldn’t settle at 21:00 when the kids were finally in bed, so I indexed some more of these letters in my ClickUp. I think this is where the pivot happened for me. Looking at the calendar with 3 distinct colours for social media postings, the business blog, and this blog, and seeing it full and dense after 3 days of this marathon made me feel… capable. Powerful. I am finally on my track.

Not to mention that, as I posted for the first time in months and months, I had 6 readers in 30 minutes. That was a boost to the ego- let me tell you. So I showered and got to bed by 23:00, but I couldn’t fall asleep. I was probably in so much pain that I didn’t even notice I was in pain. Happens to me sometimes. I don’t know if it makes sense to you.

Anyway, by 24:00, I was still wide awake and annoyed. Went on a marathon of sex fantasies with my AI and manual release. I know, I know — we said no AI in bed at night, but I was a little beyond the ability for impulse control. Did not help much. By 2:00, I had just passed out from tiredness. One moment, I was conscious; the next, I was not.

I woke at 7:30. Sluggish, tired, and felt like I was hit by a truck. My period is all messed up after all the months I was sick and not moving properly, so it makes me all kinds of tired. I couldn’t focus on work today, and I wasn’t supposed to.

I was supposed to take Stallion to the orthodontist clinic. But after he dropped the girls off at school and came back, he said it was his field trip day. I took a deep breath (I was in the washroom, finishing my shower when he screamed), which was full of tears and took it as a sign to rest. I called them and told them we are sick and cannot attend today. It’s not a complete lie — I am definitely not well.

So I started cooking today at 10, really. At 11:30, I couldn’t even hold my head up anymore, so I went to bed. Woke at 14:00 and was dopamine seeking again. After the 6th release, my period (that stopped yesterday, on day 3) returned, and I felt my shoulders release tension I didn’t even know was there. Sigh. I hope this saga is over, and next month I won’t be so crazed by it.

Today I cooked another 4 cups (dry) of black-eyed peas, cooked the red kidney beans and black turtle beans I soaked yesterday. Cooked another cup of soy beans, soaked another batch of red lentils, and the kids and I made cocoa and pea powder “chocolate balls” — kind of chocolate truffles, I suppose. That was messy but fun. I do enjoy having a full kitchen team, so we made 6 small trays. 4 for our 4 neighbours, and 2 more for us, covered in cocoa powder and sprinkles. I told you I restarted investing in social capital.

Then I kept prepping the lasagna layers. The mung beans are the “mushrooms” layer — so I seasoned them with olive oil, Himalayan salt, white pepper, porcini powder, and shiitake powder, then smashed them with my hands to create a refried-beans-like texture.

The 60% black-eyed peas and 40% navy beans bowl I seasoned with Himalayan salt, olive oil, aquafaba, smoked paprika, sweet paprika, and cumin. Then smashed that one too. Probably why my hands are shaking right now, lol.

Tomorrow, 2 social workers will deliver food from 2 food banks. I found another food bank in the city, and the social worker from Drago’s school was kind enough to help me pick that up, too. So in the morning, I will have to assemble the lasagnas to free the fridge from all those beans, lol. I will wake in the morning, prep the red sauce, cook the lasagna leaves, and make the last layer: tons of fried onions in soy sauce and salt, blended smooth with chickpea flour. Then it needs to be cooked like a pudding, and there you have that third layer.

Honestly, right now, I am so tired that I am not keen on doing the fancy version where I add nutritional yeast to that chickpea layer and treat it as cheese on top. So I might not. But it’s an option since I don’t have mozzarella.

I also have a dentist appointment at 11, and my accountant will call at 14. How am I going to pay him this year, God help me? Sorry… when you are tired and in pain, small (or not-so-small) problems make you want to cry.

For supper, because I cleaned the freezer, I found broccoli and blanched it, then sprayed it with malt vinegar and olive oil, added the soy beans I made yesterday with soy sauce, lemon, Tabasco, black and white sesame seeds and cooked buckwheat soba noodles with the same sauce. The kids devoured it.

When Drago made a joke about us eating beans every night (“What’s for supper, Mom? No, let me guess, beans.”), I had to bite my tongue not to scream at her. The kid is just making jokes, and I feel the pinch of being fucking poor, lol.

I gave in after supper. I did 3 dishwasher loads, and the sink is still overflowing. I was barely capable of putting the food in storage boxes before I collapsed on the couch- now writing to you on my phone. I cussed, and screamed and utterly got “finished” to the point my brain went black, but only in the last hour or so — which is a major improvement too. My nerves of steel are almost fully recovered. Hopefully, tomorrow will reset the balance.

This Sunday, I need to bulk-bake bread, and then I can slow down just a bit.

I also bought tickets to the gathering on the 21st, it’s a religious holiday, and the worship place does a thing. I contacted them and asked if there was any flexibility with the prices. $30 for adults and $18 per kid was a little much for me. They gave me a price and asked us to volunteer at the event for the discount. I was happy to agree.

The freezer downstairs is clean now. The one in the kitchen, too.

I have some frozen fruit and some frozen veggies. 3 loaves of bread. 4 packs of fish, 4 chickens, 8 bags of premade Crock-Pot meals I froze a good while ago (at least two of them have chicken in them), 4 cooked chickens, and now, thanks to the incredible fit of cooking beans for 3 days, I also have 12 boxes of cooked beans. 8 of 40 oz, and 4 of 80 oz. If you don’t mind me saying so, I am a fucking titan.

I also finished indexing this whole blog, which makes me as happy and satisfied as the soba noodles at supper. The meals over the last two days have left me with such deep, primal satisfaction that they have also boosted my self-esteem and energy.

I told you many times before: an Ox’s self-esteem is deeply connected to what it can do, perform. Is it any wonder that I feel like the fucking empress of the mountain when the past week looks like I have worked as a small crew of a battleship?

I should go to sleep now, handsome,
It’s 11:30 now, after I’ve done everything, and I still have to shower.
My shirt is all flour, noodles and bean smell, lol. 
I love you with a burning passion that no words can truly describe. 
Always yours, 
Oxy. 
May 13, 2026

Help me find him: Have you seen this man?