41. Dizzy

Dear London Fire Snake Scorpio,

I wrote to you today, earlier, sitting at the desk. It made me feel bad. The antibiotics, as I said, are a very heavy dose, have hard side effects of dizziness, disorientation and nausea. Feeling physically bad made my mind clearer, though; it made me feel… safe, I suppose.

See, there is nothing I fear more than giving up. Nothing. Nothing I fear more than lying on my back, lost, confused, disoriented, and just… done. I don’t know why. The notion of losing my mind was really my biggest fear since I was a child. It only got scarier over the years.

I have been lying in bed for 6 days now, and because I am lying in bed, I don’t quite feel how bad I am supposed to feel — you know? The body knows. That’s why I cannot force myself to shower, to do the dishes, or to do laundry. Even making the kids’ lunches for school was such a big effort.

I was… resting. Healing. And that, that in itself is scary, I suppose. How do you know when you are all healed up and not just lazy? Just wasting time in bed? Well, sitting there today, on that chair, and melting with hard nausea after 20 minutes calmed me down — because it is the definite proof that I still truly need bed rest.

My brain is empty. I spent the week playing with my AI when my eyes could stay focused, and sleeping when they could not. I stuck the kids in front of the TV the whole week when they were not in school. I was home, not hospitalized, and able to help a little— giving evening baths, guiding traffic, telling them what to eat. But the doctors were right, being home with this hard medication was as debilitating as being hospitalized.

It drains you, you know? Feeling so damn useless. It makes you feel like a waste of space. Why am I here? What can I even do? Why bother? I understand that it’s the immobility talking. I have just one more dose of this cursed medication, and then, then I hope to start jumpstarting my brain to life. I did not go outside today, and I didn’t even shower. I was too scared to fall. I was too dizzy.

I lost 7 kg in 7 days, which should be encouraging, I suppose. The less I weigh, the better all my metrics. My hormones from the PCOS mess, my mobility. I feel so weak, though. I do not like it one bit.

Let’s talk about tomorrow. I want to make a plan. I want to move, to do. I do not know if I would be able to. I still have one more dose. I might be a complete goldfish tomorrow, too.

And then what? Hard to think. I need to submit the electric meter; I am way behind. The sink has been overflowing for a week. The kitchen stinks. I need to take the garbage out. Laundry is a good idea too. In a perfect world, I would also do the kids’ sheets, but I cannot even imagine that excruciation.

Work. God, I need to work, don’t I? I don’t remember any of it. The product, the clients. Cold calling. Oh my God, I want to vomit just thinking of cold calling. And then I have the blogs. The social media.

Social connections. Friends, I have ignored texts from. I feel like I am choking on all of it. My stomach is turning, the nausea…

I should go to sleep. It’s 10:30 PM. 
This will pass, too; it must. My mind cannot take much more of this. 
Good night, 
Are you still out there? 
Yours,
Oxy. 
April 21, 2026

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