42. Slow

Dear London Fire Snake Scorpio,

The first thing I did today, as I opened my eyes, was to go shower. I didn’t even let myself think about it. The shower was not easy, I’m weak, and nauseous as hell, but I did it.

I ate a piece of bread and took the last antibiotic meds, and made myself some electrolytes. I’m dizzy, for sure, and the day is long, and I have a lot to do. But that seemingly small thing, starting the day with a shower, made me feel ahead already.

I will rest for a few hours now, I suppose, and then try to do the next thing: feed the birds, change my sheets, wash the dishes. Frankly, it does not quite matter what I will tackle today, as long as I do something.

I think the weakness is also a result of my not eating. See, after months, maybe years of chasing food for the kids and me, being afraid all the time that I won’t have enough for the kids. Food banks. Portioning. All this mess, I got hospitalized for a day. I told you about that.

So, lying there in the hallway for hours while they tried to lower my temperature before I was even seen by a doctor, I spent the whole day without food. I couldn’t eat. At some point, I was so nauseous that I asked for Jello- the magic food that’s not quite liquid and not quite solid. It helped. I think something in my consciousness changed that day, and the line from “Man’s search for meaning” was throbbing in my head. He said, first of all, that all the medical books lie. We can live with virtually nothing.

I am not sure why, but starting that week, I minimized my food intake to only when I had to take the antibiotics. And more often than not, it would be a piece of bread, a slice of chicken. Something ridiculously small, come to think of it. Food was just not interesting anymore.

People were very kind, I think I told you that too, and many brought us food, so the kids had food, I suppose. But all the madness around food and nourishment somehow became irrelevant.

As I told you, the result is that I lost 7kg in 7days. It’s not a good or bad thing; it just is.

But now, if I am to wake this body and make it a functional human again, I have to start thinking about fueling this body, so that I won’t just lie in bed, heavy-headed and nauseous. It does not feel like a fun prospect, but I will put it on today’s list of things to push through. So for now, that piece of bread I ate, the antibiotics and the electrolytes are enough for the morning. I just wanted to check in. I will update as I go today, hopefully, by the end of the day, I will resemble a human.

I am getting too dizzy again, 
Have to go lie down. 
Yours, 
Oxy. 
April 22, 2026

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