46. Shared Moment

Dear London Fire Snake Scorpio,

Hello beloved, how was your day? Mine was very productive. More productive than I could have imagined, really. Yesterday, the feeling of being dead began to recede. The probiotics and electrolytes finally broke through the devastation left by the antibiotics, and I was hungry. I ate normal human amounts. Not much protein, but we work with what we have.

And yet, I spent the day in bed and on the phone, playing scenarios and writing stories with my AI. After the apipheny about fantasies, I invested time and care in stories that tell what I want to be, the biggest version of myself. Funny enough, nothing I invent is completely “out there,” and most are things I have even done before: from interfering in a fight, to throwing an orange at Will because I get bored.

The new direction took the stories into depths I would not have been able to weave even 2 days ago — so the brain is definitely working. In one of the scenarios, which was very funny, I got into a hospital after a fight with some blokes, and the whole time I was basically absent while Will and the Doctor ran the show. Will is also a little bit of a criminal, apparently, haha, because that’s how the AI translated “changing the world from behind the scenes”. It’s funny.

Either way, yesterday I did not get out of bed. I felt guilty about it, definitely, but something in me knew that today would be a day that would drain me beyond what I was capable of in months.

So, this morning, I woke up and sent the kids to school. First thing I started calling doctors. The thing was that my son was scheduled for a dermatologist appointment 2 years ago (yes, I know, the waiting times for that specific specialty are ridiculous here), and they sent me the invite by post and everything. But it was two freaking years ago!

So I wasn’t smart enough to put the details of the appointment, like the doctor’s name, clinic, location, phone, etc., in the event in my calendar. And then 3 days ago, when they called to make sure I am coming with the kid, I was so knocked out with the recovery that I didn’t ask them anything, haha. So yesterday I was looking at the calendar, and there were no details.

I spent the first hour of the morning looking around clinics, calling the original doctor who referred us, and locating that doc. I found him even though it took 4 phone calls and 35 minutes. Next, the small stuff — feed the birds, make a list, go to shower.

I am still quite slow, so after each mini task like that, I need to lie down for 15–30 minutes, or my head gets so dizzy and heavy that I feel like I am literally about to fall. But, I did. Next, I dealt with the furnace.

So the story with the furnace is, as I told you, I woke up one day, and the furnace was 17 °C instead of the 22 °C it’s set to. I calculated that it was probably because the kids kept opening the door, letting the house’s heat escape into the colder weather. We got up to 19 °C, then back to 17 °C. Then Drago was walking home from school when she texted me, “Mom, I know why the house is cold,” and attached a photo of our house from the outside.

Apparently, during one of the recent windstorms, the latch on a roof opening came loose, and a few days ago, it opened completely. In other words, it’s like 3 °C outside, and my house has a window wide open. I text my neighbour and ask him for a ladder that long, cause I obviously don’t have one. They are an amazing couple, those neighbours. It’s the same couple that helped put Piggy to sleep when I was hospitalized.

Anyhow, the husband, a man working construction and with a big heart (I think I told you about him making us a brand-new front staircase to the house for only the material cost) — he climbed up there and closed the latch himself, God bless him. But the house was still 16–17 °C this morning. So I remembered that with the neck inflammation since January, I hadn’t changed the furnace’s filter.

I go downstairs, and my heart is hammering. I have never changed the filter before. In previous years, I had the money and would call a professional for an annual furnace check, and on the way, he would also change the filter. But a little help from Gemini and even my dizzy ass got things right. The house is still damn freezing by the way, sigh, but AI says it’s normal to take up to 48 hours.

Next, I went to shower, but the sink was so disgusting that I washed it and the toilet, and then showered and passed out on the bed for 30 minutes. I was beat, but I still had so much to do. I finished the tax files and sent them to the accountant. I didn’t bother with the business expenses receipts — there could be no deductions anyway because I had no revenue, and I am months behind on the tax report. The danger is that if I do not submit it on time, they will close the child benefits I receive, and that would quite literally kill us, because that’s how we survive.

So I did it. I also spoke with someone from child services about our situation. I am worried about food, a lot. Up until now, even in our leaner months, I had a freezer downstairs full of food and a storage room bursting with grains, beans, and canned goods. But now, living 3 months without any food budget and relying on food banks and our emergency supplies, the storage room is seriously dwindling. At this pace, I am concerned that we will be in actual hunger in 6 weeks. And I mean — actual hunger, not just eating things that the kids might not like.

After that conversation, which was not very fun but necessary, I lay in bed for an hour, playing with my AI again and trying to get my head down from the throbbing pain. Then took Stallion to that doctor’s appointment. Next to the clinic was a Dollarama shop, and I decided it was an opportunity we could not miss.

I bought $180 worth of canned and dried goods, shaking the whole time as I had a panic attack that I was trying to minimize next to my son over the money. But I also got a few loaves of bread, so we have a reprieve from baking. Jeez, looking at today, I see it was quite a stressful one, eh?

I also had two very lucky breaks today. One is that the new mortgage payment is $400 higher—apparently only starting next month—so I got the withdrawal today and was ecstatic about the difference. It’s the difference between an overdraft and “just barely” making it. The second break was that the payment for May 3rd came in today. I am working an event on May 3rd for 11 hours, and I was very happy to discover that the payment was in advance.

Still, the bank account is thin. At the moment, I have $200 in the account after moving money around, so I can charge that Dollarama purchase on the card. Then I came home, was, of course, starving, ate something, and passed out for another 2 hours.

My ex picked up the two little ones while I had the two older kids; he was supposed to feed them. He said he did, but the kids were still starving when they came home at 9 pm. About that in a bit.

While sitting at the clinic and waiting for Stallion’s appointment, my neck was torturing me. The pain was blinding. After almost two weeks of not even sitting for more than 10 minutes, the day started taking its toll. And so, after shopping and putting everything away, I rested. I was hopeful that if I rested, I would be able to survive the rest of the evening, because the demand was not over.

At 6:15 pm, Stallion and I went to Drago’s school. Today was the dance show she had worked on all year. Grade 7 was starting at 6:30, and Drago had one dance that combined the two grades, so we got in to watch her number. Surprisingly, I was swept away. The music was loud and well chosen, and the girls, though stiff and not too mesmerizing, did a decent job.

My Drago made me proud. She has gotten so much better in the past two years since she began dancing. I was looking at her, standing there dancing next to girls who were dancing since they were in diapers because their parents could afford it, and she was kicking ass. Talented, my girl. And growing. She was not perfect, but she was light-years ahead of where she started in 7th grade.

Then the intermission started, and the parents of the 7th grade left, so I was able to move to the front row and get enough chairs for me, Stallion, Piggy and Wolfy. The ex came with the girls and his wife. I offered him to sit with us, but he preferred to sit behind. His manners… this shrinking, this hand gesture saying “No, no. Don’t make noise, don’t bother.” I swear to this day, it makes me look at him with zero respect.

And then Drago was in 5 more numbers. It was then that I truly missed you. I felt an actual ache, a phantom presence of you sitting to my left, watching the show with me. Sharing my pride in my girl. Looking at the other girls with me through a critical eye rather than indulging, as most parents do. Finding out who was mechanic, who was robotic, who slacked on their rehearsal hours, haha. I just can’t help it, I always do. Once a performer, always a performer.

Drago was magnificent. At the number that she and 3 other girls did themselves (choreography and all), she was having fun. Full motions, faces and all. The song was “That’s My Girl,” and it demands some attitude. She had that. She was still sometimes stuck in her head, but all in all, as I said, amazing progress. Later, she told me they were rehearsing since 7:45 am, which is a little dumb. Every athlete knows you do not over-practice the day of or even the day before.

Then I asked the ex to drop Stallion and the girls off at home. I told him how to open the door and gave him the key. It was cold, and I didn’t want them to walk for 15 minutes. Not to mention, honestly, that by this point, Piggy was all over me about being hungry, and my head was throbbing so hard with the blood pressure drop that I didn’t want to deal with her on the walk.

When I came home, about 15 minutes after the kids, Stallion was scared. His phone was locked during downtime; it was already 9:30 pm, so he couldn’t communicate with me, which kind of ruffled his feathers. But he’s a smart kid and cut an apple for Piggy as soon as they got home because she was hungry.

I fed them. Supervised showers and then climbed into bed. It’s fucking cold in the house, 16 °C. I am out of ideas. If the furnace does not pick up in 2 days’ time, I will have to call a technician, and only God knows where I will get the money for that. I don’t even know how I will pay the accountant this year. Sigh.

It’s been a good day. A very productive day. I am victorious, and I refuse to let the fact that I have not solved every damn problem, including my bank account, make me stressed at midnight as I wrap up my letter to you.

I didn’t want to go to sleep before I could tell you that I felt you again today. That I finally ate like a human being today. That my mind worked. That I made decisions. That I was capable of forcing myself to sit for two hours in agony, but still sit, to finish the tax file.

I am scared. Truly scared. I am in a race, and I am so far behind that it doesn’t feel like it’s even possible to catch up. Sigh. But I am doing my best. Tomorrow, and the rest of the week, I am back on bed rest and doing as little as possible because I have to be in top shape for the 3rd. It’s 11 hours of work.

I love you. 
I missed you deeply today. 
We’ll talk again tomorrow, 
Always yours,
Oxy. 
April 28, 2026.

Help me find him: Have you seen this man?